5:05 AM

THE GREATEST STORY EVER TOLD, starring Anthony Kiedis & Christina Hendricks in the 90s

While reading Anthony Kiedis’s magnificent 2004 autobiography Scar Tissue, I came across the following paragraph:

Then we saw this girl who was a little tipsy, wearing a bright red dress with some weird ’80s Zebra belt accoutrement. She was in her own world by the piano, doing a heartfelt pantomime to a Björk song. I thought that took a lot of chutzpah, so I went over and introduced myself. Her name was Christina, and she was a model who had grown up in Idaho but was now living in New York. She had natural orange-red hair and crazy-beautiful white skin and huge tits, way too big and pillowy for normal runway modeling.

“Back the fuck up,” I said to myself. Christina Hendricks was a model in the 90s! Christina Hendricks grew up in Idaho! Christina Hendricks has crazy-beautiful pale skin, looks like a natural redhead & most definitely has beautiful breasts! Did Anthony Kiedis date Christina Hendricks? THAT IS SO HOT!

I went on to read more Kiedis/Hendricks adventures:

That night I began seeing Christina, which was a good thing, since it had been a while since I felt that connection with somebody. I wasn’t falling in love, but she was a nice person, and we were definitely sexually compatible. I don’t know if it was her smell or her energy, but we’d be in bed, and I’d feel like an opiated vampire from being with her.

An opiated vampire! That’s how I feel just from looking at Christina Hendricks! I can’t imagine the feeling of actually having her on you. Well, because Anthony Kiedis is a SAINT, he went ahead & shared some more sexy anecdotes.

In Seattle, I flew Christina out for a few days. The band had an off night, and Oaisis was playing in town. Their management called up and invited us to the show, but on one wanted to go except Christina. Halfway through the show, Christina had a couple of arena beers and got horny and decided she wanted to give me a blow job. So we wandered backstage. Most of the doors were locked, but I found one that was open. It was below the stage and opened into the electrical control room for the whole arena. There were all these levers and switches and buttons. So we got on the floor, took of our clothes, and started having sex. It was a nice atmosphere; we could hear the muffled sounds of the band playing above us. But somewhere along the way, we got too frisky and banged into a lever, and all of a sudden, the lights went out. I jumped up and rushed over to the board, convinced that we had cut the sound and lights to the entire arena. I frantically pushed a lever, and the lights came back on. I realized that we had cut off the power only in that room, but we were one lever away from bringing the concert to a grinding halt from having sex beneath the stage.

This is the only story involving Oasis that I have ever enjoyed! Beer-tipsy oral sex! Vigorous humping that jostled important levers! What god have I pleased to be given this rare gift?

This is the part of the story that gets a little bit sad.

Christina was a lot of fun to be with, and our physical relationship was wonderful, but I wasn’t falling in love with her to the point of her being my girlfriend. A few months later, right before we went back to Europe to tour, I told her I couldn’t see her anymore. She was pretty upset, but Guy O was beside himself. “I can’t believe you’re walking away from this girl. She’s the first girl you’ve been with in a long time who’s totally considerate. She brings you flowers. She loves you. She’s beautiful. She’s sexy. She’s smart.”

Listen to your friend Guy O, Kiedis! He’s a cool guy!

But when you’re not feeling it, you’re not feeling it. When I broke up with her, she said, “Ah, that really sucks. I was hoping that this relationship was gonna go somewhere, but I understand. At least we had a lot of great sex.” I was like “That’s the spirit!”

AT LEAST WE HAD A LOT OF GREAT SEX!